Adoption Disruption


When Adoption Can’t Be Forever, Adoption Disruption is an Option

 

See also "Indicators of Adoption Disruption"

Turning Corners offers counseling and support to those children and families that maybe in adoption crisis. We are not an adoption agency but a source for families that need assistance. The following is for educational purposes.

 

When adoptive families start the process of adoption, they have the good intention of bringing a child into the family permanently. There are times, even with overwhelming love and intervention for the child and family, when the adoption just can’t survive - an adoption dissolution is an option. It doesn’t mean that you are a “bad parent” or that the child is at fault. You did not have the intention for it to happen, but sometimes your family simply does not have the dynamics, supports and resources that are needed by the child. There is no one to blame. As with any parent, what is most important is what is best for the child and your family as a whole.

 

When all else has failed, it may become in your family’s best interest to contact the adoption agency and start the replacement process and disrupt the adoption. Dissolution should be the last resort and not taken lightly. Through a replacement, your child may be able to go to a family that can better meet his or her special needs. The new adoptive family may be a better match.

 

There are numerous factors that lead to adoption disruption:

 

  • The child is an inappropriate match to your family (there are no bad children, only bad matches in adoption)
  • The adoption agency failed to prepare you for the special needs of the child
  • The child had poor preparation for the adoption process
  • There are unrealistic expectations of the child or the adoptive parents experience
  • Your parenting style conflicts with techniques the child responds to the best
  • Lack of a strong support system for your family or you have relatives that disagree with your adoption
  • Lack of support from your adoption agency
  • Failure to assess services for the child that may be needed
  • The child has emotional or attachment issues or past abuse that were unknown to you or were not disclosed at the time of placement by the adoption agency
  • The dynamics of your home do not match the characteristics that your child requires
  • Your family hasn’t integrated or blended despite efforts
  • Family stress factors (financial or marital problems, unresolved infertility issues, etc.) that make it difficult to work with the child’s needs

 

Your Feelings Right Now

 

You have been through several emotions to be considering an adoption disruption and dissolution. You may have felt them all or only a few. Some maybe resolved and others maybe ongoing and effecting all avenues in your life. Your relationship with a significant other, the adopted child as well as other children in the home, or extended family members may suffer. It may also permeate into your friendships and work life.

 

Anger or Resentment

 

You may be angry that the adoption is not meeting your expectations. You maybe upset that your child has repeated behaviors that do not falter despite your efforts. This anger is affecting all of your relationships as well as your parenting and you resent the child. (Have you let go of the anger?)

 

Sadness/Depression

 

You may have a deep sadness over how your family is functioning. You may question yourself as a parent or take on unnecessary blame. It is sad when a family is dissolving. (Have you looked to make a change?)

 

Denial

 

You may try to make yourself believe that everything will be okay when in actuality; all aspects of your family are falling apart. (Are you looking at yourself, the child and the situation as a whole realistically?)

 

Panic

 

What are you going to do? You are panicking about how to save your family as well as your child. (Have you looked at all if your options?)

 

Acceptance

 

You have accepted that your home is not in the child’s best interest. You strive to find the best possible setting for the child. You realize that no one is to blame. You recognize that you are not giving up but rather, as a parent, making the best choice for your son or daughter. (Are you ready to let go?)

 

What Have You Done to Prevent an Disruption?

 

Before considering an adoption disruption and dissolution, there are several factors that you should first address:

 

  • What interventions have I put in place for my child?
  • What interventions have I put in place for my partner or children?
  • What have I done to educate myself about the needs of my child?
  • What have I done to accommodate the needs of the adoptive child and my family?
  • Have I made every possible attempt to attach and bond with my child even if they are rejecting of me? Have I given the child a chance to attach and bond with me? (One month for every year of life before you see any slight changes)
  • Am I taking the behaviors that my child is demonstrating personally rather than looking objectively at what my child went through before coming home?
  • What supports have I put in place for my family?
  • Are my expectations realistic?
  • Is this a temporary crisis or have interventions failed?
  • Have I tried to modify my lifestyle and/or parent techniques to meet the child’s needs?
  • Is there anything that I haven’t as an adoptive parent tried that may help?
  • What is best for my adoptive child and family? Is it my family or another that can best help my child reach his or her potential?
  • Have you put your child’s needs before your own?
  • If you have tried the items above without changes in the situation then an adoption dissolution and replacement maybe in your child and family’s best interest. You need to think of what is best for your child and sometimes another adoptive family may be the answer that he or she needs.

 

See also Indicators of Adoption Disruption

 

 

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