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Birth Mother Adoption Information
Grief, mourning, and bereavement are experiences most commonly associated with a loss that resulted from a death of a loved one. Grief, mourning and bereavement are often mistakenly overlooked, or minimized, in regard to other experiences of loss such as, the breakup of a relationship, a divorce, losing a job, and for a birth mother, adoption or the process of giving up a child. In each of these examples, as well as others, grief is a real, valid, and appropriate feeling and response.
While several individuals can be involved in a very similar event (ie., loss of a job, death of a child, placing a child up for adoption), it is important to note that no one will have the exact experience of that event. In other words, 200 birth mothers can make the decision to place their children for adoption, but due to the life experiences, age, personality, support or lack of support, medical complications, previous births, religion, culture, and a host of other issues, each of the birth mother adoption experiences will to some degree, be different (be it very different, or only slightly different). Therefore, birthmother support is essential. While it can be of great benefit to discuss with others, their experience of a similar situation, a person should be aware that there may be differences in those experiences, which is quite okay. Generally, birth mothers and others dealing with grief may experience in any particular order, denial of the situation, sadness/depression, anger, bargaining (i.e, “well if I...,” or “If I just…..then…..can happen”), and acceptance of the situation.
For those dealing with such an experience, it can be helpful to seek out a friend or someone familiar with birthmother support to talk with regarding these feelings. A birthmother support system (friends, others who have had this experience, etc) can be of immense benefit and importance for a person experiencing grief. For those who want to be of help and support to an individual or birth mother experiencing grief, the following are helpful interventions:
The key points of Birthmother Support
1. LISTEN. Sometimes it’s more helpful to be present and say nothing, than to offer
advice.
2. Be empathetic. Do not force your opinions or agenda on the grieving person or birth mother. This is not a time to be critical or judgmental. Try to listen and understand what the person is saying and going through.
3. Watch your language! It is best not to say, “I can understand what you are going through,” especially if you haven’t had the experience of placing a child up for adoption.
4. Offer Referrals: If the grieving person appears deeply depressed or in need of professional assistance, be helpful by seeking and providing phone numbers of open adoption family services in your area.
5. Ask! Instead of trying to be helpful (unguided), ask if there is any particular way that you offer the birthmother support. (But at the same time, it is always nice to “do nice things” for the person).
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