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Birth Mother Empathy
Being chosen by a birth mother can be a very exciting moment for an adoptive family. The feelings of joy that your dreams of having a child to parent are coming true can be overwhelming. In experiencing this happiness, it is sometimes difficult to remember and understand that there is another person who can be experiencing extreme loss and sadness at not being a parent. The circumstances that a birthmother may be experiencing that cause her to feel that choosing adoption will give her child the best opportunity, may involve situations that one may never be able to fathom themselves in.
It is important for adoptive families to remember that although choosing adoption would be the logical choice for birthmothers, it is also a very difficult and emotional decision to make. Given different life situations, most birth mothers would choose to parent. Most birth mothers are not choosing adoption because they do not want to parent, but because they want a different situation for their child to be raised in.
When the birth mother delivers her child, an adoptive family can be experiencing a range of emotions from excitement and joy to nervousness that a birth mother may change her mind. It is very important for an adoptive family to understand that there is always that chance that a birth mother may change her mind and choose to parent. It is also important to keep in mind that a birth mother may need time to contemplate her decision after the baby is born. She may need more than 72 hours to make a life changing decision for herself and her child.
If an adoptive family is faced with the situation where a birth mother is rethinking her decision to follow through with her adoption plan, it is important to understand these feelings of uncertainty. It may be difficult to be understanding at this time because as an adoptive parent you may be experiencing loss and disappointment if the adoption plan does not go through, but remember there is a person on the other side that is experiencing these feelings much more intensely.
Some things to remember when working with a birth mother:
It is normal for a birth mother to rethink her decision or have doubts about her adoption plan during her pregnancy; this is a life changing decision for the birth mother and her child.
A birthmother may also change her mind in the amount of openness she is wanting. A birth mother may feel more comfortable following through with her adoption plan if she feels that her decision is not ending her connection with her child. It often helps birth mothers to know that their birth child is doing well.
Being empathetic requires one to imagine themselves in someone else’s shoes. If you are matched with a birthmother, imagine yourself in her life circumstances. Ask yourself what you would do if you had no family support, were living in poverty or whatever the circumstances may be, and ask yourself how you would be feeling if choosing adoption for your unborn child was your only option.
Adoption is a wonderful experience and as adoptive parents, you should feel free to have feelings of joy and happiness, as this is an exciting time for you. All About Adoption Consulting provides adoption information that can assist adoptive parents understand and appropriately display sensitivity to the feelings of the birth mother. We also help adoptive parents be more aware that while they are feeling joy, there is a birth mother who is experiencing sadness and array of other difficult emotions.
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