What to Expect

What to Expect During the Matching Process

Once your family has been approved as a potential adoptive family, your agency or attorney will begin the matching process. The process will vary from program to program but the emotional ups and downs will be the same. You will be excited, discouraged, and possibly upset at times if a child you hoped for doesn’t work out and the placement doesn’t occur. Your family will be anxious to bring home a new member of the family and each family’s wait time will vary. Know that the right situation will present itself and the child meant for you will find its way home.

Adoptive families need to know that you have little to no control during the matching process. Individuals, who tend to want predictability, structure, and more control of what’s occurring when, may have a more difficult time during this period. You must trust the professionals that are helping you. Your family can be guided and counseled if you need more support.

All agencies and attorney’s vary in how much contact they offer. Some contact you as opportunities come available and you will receive a call from the program. All information available at the time will be presented to you but you must realize that information will continue to unfold. If the program gets more updated facts about a particular situation, it will be disclosed immediately. It is your family’s personal decision as to which process you prefer.

Adopting a child from foster care:

If you are hoping to adopt a child from foster care, the amount of information about a child offered at the onset will vary based on the custodial program’s policy. Some custodial agencies present a wealth of information upfront while others wait until you are identified as the possible family before you receive the file. It is important to understand that you will eventually receive TOTAL disclosure. Generally your agency will present the information to you either verbally or in writing (when available). You must understand that the information that you receive about the child can and will be disturbing at times. There will be documentation of EVERY incident that has occurred in the child’s life. There are often details of abuse or neglect. Additionally, behaviors that the child is currently presenting or has displayed in the past will be described. The file is to give you the information about the child and ALL questions regarding behaviors or diagnoses should be directed to the custodian before you make a definite decision. Often, once educated about a certain issue or incident, your perspective may change about your ability to parent the child’s needs. You want to focus on what progress or needs have presented themselves within the last six months of the child’s life. Secondly, you must realize that all children have behaviors. Imagine having your own personal file with record of every single time you did something wrong as a child. How would it read?

What to Expect During the Adoption Matching Process

When you are in the matching phase of your adoption process, you must realize that adoptions out of foster care will take time. The case worker assigned to the child at the custodial program will need to read multiple homestudies in order to identify possible families, interview agencies and the families and ultimately set what is called a staffing. A staffing can take weeks or even months to coordinate. During the staffing, those with the custodial program that know the child best will review the possible families and decide which family has the best abilities to provide for the child and any special needs they present. Typically, you will not meet your child until you have received all information. Meetings will occur once you have fully committed your family to the child.

You should request your agency continue to search for your family until you are matched. You will be in the review process with multiple custodial agencies at once. At the official match, the search is halted until a final decision is made. If your family is identified as the match, you will then receive all the information about the child, have the chance to talk to previous care givers, case workers, teachers, therapists, etc. If your family moves forward with adopting the child, you will receive information about transition with the child and an estimated time of placement. Additionally, you may have to negotiate subsidies. Your agency or the custodial agency should assist you every step of the way. Any questions or concerns at any point should be addressed. Once your child comes home, post-placement services will be implemented. Your family generally will finalize after six months of placement but, each State varies on this requirement.

Adopting a child from a birth parent:

If you are hoping to adopt an infant or toddler, you will be matched with a birth parent. In most situations the birth parents identify the adoptive families through photo resumes and a “Dear birthparent” letter that you generate. Most birth parents will interview the potential families either on the phone or in-person.

Each agency or attorney varies in the process of presenting your family. Some agencies or attornies contact you for approval and others will present you without your knowledge and will only contact you in event that you are matched. It is not unusual to be presented tens of times without getting a match. Please do not get discouraged. If you need assistance in improving the presentation of your family, photo resume, birth parent letter, or interviews, someone from the All About Adoption Consulting can assist you. Do not take these attempts to guide you personally as we are trying to help.

When an adoption situation does not work out:

If your family is matched with a child waiting in foster care, you generally ARE the family unless you do not decide to move forward. Information about your family will be presented to the child and he or she will be prepared for the transition. Not every match will ultimately result in a child placement when dealing with birth parents. A voluntary adoption plan is a difficult choice and no matter how well counseled or how intent the birth parent is on placement, he or she may reconsider placing the child with you for one reason or another.

When a birth parent gives birth and decides to take the baby home, it important to remember “never to burn bridges”. Often a birth parent, after attempting to parent for a few days or weeks, we determine that the child would be better off placed in your family. By leaving your heart and home open to the birth parent and child, you have invited the placement to move forward. Additionally, there have been times that a birth parent encounters the same situation in terms of an unplanned pregnancy in the future. By being faithful to any open adoption arrangements, a birth parent will first consider you for any possible subsequent placements.

Why do Birth Parents Change thier Minds?

There can be numerous factors that may result in a birth parent changing their mind about a placement. The true course of the placement can never be predicted. Emotions run high for a birth parent after the birth, regardless of how much counseling or relationship building events that have been provided. Generally, there are three time periods during which a reversal may happen.

Child Birth
At the time of the child’s birth, the situation will suddenly become very real. They see the child’s face and see themselves. This may result in emotions for which they are unprepared. Birth parents who have had little or no counseling as well as emotionally immature parents, may change their mind. At this time, the counselor would provide support as well as guidance in what had originally brought the birth parent to an adoption plan. Sometime this refocus will help other times the birth parent will decide to take the child home.

The “48” Hour Mark
Approximately 48 hours after the birth of the baby, the mother’s breast milk production will begin. Her hormones will rage and this will result in her emotions being taken to the extreme. Additionally, most mother’s are being discharged from the hospital, without the baby. Leaving “empty handed” may seem impossible to them. The birth mother will find herself easily crying or yelling at those closest to her. Some birth mother’s will interpret these emotions as “making a mistake” and a reversal may result. If the birth mother has had counseling, she will be reminded of this period and hopefully she will be refocused to her plan. If the birth parent can make it past this period, the probability of placement is good.

The Surrender
When the time comes to make the decision of adoption permanent, the reality may hit the birth parents hard. Making an adoption plan final is a heart-wrenching decision and its is very difficult to complete. Women who are comfortable with the adoptive family and trust their commitment to whatever openness arrangements that have been agreed upon, will be more able to make it past this final process.

Starting Over

When a placement doesn’t move forward, your family will feel a sense of loss. It is important to remember that your path to parenthood may have obstacles but the child that is meant to find you will. Don’t give up. Don’t take the situation personally. Get back into the process with the same level of enthusiasm you had when you first began. When dealing with birth parents, it important not to compare all situations and parents. Just because one birth parent reversed her decision does not mean the next one will too. Do not be afraid to begin another relationship with a birth parent because of a failure. It will eventually happen for you. If support is needed to help with any feeling of loss or confusion you can turn to All About About Adoption Consulting or Turning Corners Counselors.